Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Holocaust Memorial Day: some key facts and figures
Holocaust Memorial Day: some key facts and figures: Holocaust facts and figures The Holocaust was the killing of around six million Jewish people by the Nazi regime from 1933 up to the end of the Second World War in 1945. Nazi ideology surfed on centuries-old hatred of the Jews, employing powerful propaganda tactics to portray the Jewish people as enemies of a superior, “Aryan” race. This ideology – allied to a ruthless…
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
From The Tablet
On a recent Friday evening in Jerusalem, more than a dozen participants from a Chinese business delegation snapped photos of each other waiting outside a house in Nachlaot, a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood best known for the famed Machane Yehuda outdoor food market. At this hour, the market was shuttered and empty, and various renditions of the kiddush could be heard coming from the densely populated hodgepodge of newly renovated and dilapidated apartments stacked along the area’s winding alleyways.
Upon entering the home of the Orthodox, shomer-shabbat Cohen family, the Chinese visitors pocketed their mobile phones and cameras. As the guests filed in, they handed hostess Michelle Cohen gifts, including swaths of silk fabric, teas, and wall tapestries from China, as well as bottles of wine from Israel. Inside, two long tables, arranged in an L shape, were set for more than 20, and Sabbath candles glowed on a high shelf, out of reach of the children. Bookcases bursting with religious texts, framed family photographs, and extra sets of kiddush cups covered one wall.
It was time for dinner.
Most of the visitors had never heard of Shabbat dinner until they arrived the previous week for a 10-day tour of Israel, mainly focused on making connections in the country’s growing high-tech sector. But they were eager to soak up every drop of the experience, hoping it would add to their understanding of Israeli and Jewish culture, which they saw as key to figuring out how such a small country could make a name for itself globally in the industry.
“We really want to learn more about the culture, also the religious customs, and see how children are raised,” said Stephanie Lee, one of the Chinese guests and also founder of Beijing Zion Shalom Cultural Development Co., which seeks to match Chinese investors with Israeli high-tech startups.
This meal was organized through Shabbat of a Lifetime, a company the Cohens founded in 2011 to provide Sabbath meal experiences for predominantly non-Jewish tourists in the homes of traditionally observant Jerusalemites. Michelle Cohen would not disclose the price, saying it often depends on what deal they work out with the tour companies that send them most of their guests, but she did tell me that it’s “equivalent to the cost of a Shabbat meal in a hotel.” This fast-growing company has served 20,000 tourists and employs a network of about 60 hosting families all over the city. And Shabbat of a Lifetime is not alone; a handful of other businesses have popped up based on the same concept: charging tourists—mostly non-Jews—for Shabbat meals in Jerusalem homes.
Some of these businesses show up on the popular travel site TripAdvisor, with prices and reviews. Clients are more often referred by tour operators than by rabbis or synagogue presidents. Unlike programs offering tourists meals in locals’ homes that have been set up by synagogue hospitality committees or Jerusalem’s ubiquitous nonprofit Jewish educational organizations, these companies do not aim to provide charity, reduce intermarriage, or convince fellow Jews to start keeping Shabbat. And unlike foodie-friendly in-home dining sites like EatWith, the main point isn’t to create a meal that’s focused primarily on curated menus and personal chefs. Instead, their goal is to introduce Jewish and Israeli culture and customs to foreign visitors.
“It’s a cultural encounter,” Cohen said. “Just like tourists in Israel go to a Bedouin tent, they can go to us. But with us, it’s an authentic experience. We don’t get in our cars at the end of the evening and drive home like the Bedouins do.”
***
The Cohens first got the idea for Shabbat of a Lifetime while in India, where they worked in 2009 as Jewish educators. As they traveled all over the country with their two young children, it was not stunning architecture or bustling markets that impressed Michelle most; rather, it was staying for a few days in the home of an Indian family. “The thing that stuck out most was just being with a family, staying in their home,” she said. “It was more memorable than the Taj Mahal.”
Visitors to Israel have grown more diverse in recent years. While roughly half the tourists in the early 2000s were Jewish, according to government estimates, by 2014 Jews accounted for just 24 percent of overall tourism while Christians accounted for 56 percent. Tourism from China in particular has boomed, growing 80 percent since 2013, according to the Israel Ministry of Tourism; in 2015, some 45,000 Chinese tourists visited Israel.
When the Cohens returned to Israel after their stint in India, Michelle’s husband Natanel, who is a tour guide, noticed that the growing number of non-Jewish visitors had few opportunities to interact with locals, so the couple decided to start charging groups to eat Shabbat dinner with them and soon had a list of groups lined up. The demand was so high that the Cohens started sending groups to other homes and hired help to prepare the homemade food. They said it was important to found Shabbat of a Lifetime as a for-profit company so they would not have to rely on donors or pander to any agendas, something they had seen the constraints of in their careers as Jewish educators. The concept does not violate the Sabbath because the food is cooked and all payments are received before the sun sets on Friday, the Cohens said.
“The whole concept that people come together for a family meal, and that Jerusalem gets all quiet on a Friday night, is just wild for visitors,” said Todd Horton, one of the first tour operators to bring a group, composed mainly of American Protestants, to the Cohens’ home. “That whole mindset of resting for a day in the U.S. has been lost, and people come here and see, wow, Jews really rest. It’s really a moment of cultural experience.”
As the guests from the Chinese business delegation settled into their chairs at the Cohens’ table, Natanel, with the confidence of an experienced educator and enthusiasm of a tour guide, taught them a tune to hum for “Shalom Aleichem,” while he and his family sang the four verses that welcome (and then eventually bid farewell to) the Sabbath angels. The group hummed along, as if attentive students in a music class, reading a Mandarin translation in booklets provided by Shabbat of a Lifetime.
As Natanel sang “Eshet Chayil”—“A Woman of Valor,” a song of praise traditionally sung to the woman of the house before Shabbat dinner—while looking Michelle in the eyes, the visitors were silent, then applauded when Natanel concluded the serenade, whose words come from the Book of Proverbs. Before each ritual and song of the evening, Natanel gave a brief explanation. He focused on the history and culture of the Jewish people, rather than on the fine points of the Orthodox halakha he follows. A translator echoed his narration, one sentence at a time.
A few disruptions and clumsy cultural encounters kept the evening feeling feeling somewhat spontaneous: When Natanel asked his preteen daughter if she would like to join him in singing “Eshet Chayil,” she rolled her eyes and scampered away from the table. After Natanel recited kiddush and sipped his wine, the Chinese visitors were still holding their full cups of wine, as if waiting for a toast from their host—a required ritual in China before sipping wine. When Natanel told them to drink, they got up and clinked his glass, then finally drank the wine.
Upon watching Natanel use a cup to pour water over each hand as part of the netilat yadaim hand-washing ritual before eating, the Chinese delegation, unexpectedly, without any instruction, lined up at the sink and did the same thing. “At moments like that, I just step back,” Natanel told me later. “I am not interested in teaching non-Jews how to do netilat yadaim, and I would never teach them the bracha. They don’t need to learn the bracha.”
***
Across Jerusalem, in East Talpiot, a former ground coordinator in Israel’s tourism sector named Danby Meital opened up a Shabbat hospitality business last year. She, too, wanted to tap into the growing diversity of visitors to Israel.
“I have always been a big entertainer,” said Meital, who immigrated to Israel from the United States 40 years ago and was among the founders of Moreshet Avraham, one of Jerusalem’s few Conservative synagogues. “I thought it was a nice way to earn money.”
Held in her home, Meital’s “Jerusalem Friday Night Shabbat Experience” can seat up to 45 people and costs between $25 and $50 a person, depending on the menu. Like Shabbat of a Lifetime, she narrates each ritual. “Before they get a chance to ask, we usually explain,” she said.
Meital invites guests to attend Friday night service at the nearby Conservative synagogue and tailors the evenings in other ways, such as inviting her relatives or friends with children if some of her paying clients will attend with children. “I try to make them feel comfortable,” she said. Most often her guests, who have included everyone from Evangelical Christians to Chinese graduate students, just want to see inside an Israeli home.
In the village-like Jerusalem neighborhood of Abu Tor, yet another Shabbat-dinner-for-tourists business is thriving, only this one is less structured and is held in a less religious home. Ruth Yudekovitz charges $100 for a four-course meal with wine at the distressed wooden table in her kitchen, surrounded by art from around the world. Friday night guests watch her light Shabbat candles and hear the tunes from the prayers in the tiny Ashkenazi synagogue tucked underneath her 100-year-old Ottoman-era house.
Yudekovitz doesn’t keep the Sabbath in the technical ways that the hosts of Shabbat of a Lifetime and Meital do, but she always has Friday night dinner with her family. Unlike other operators, she does not have a set program of explaining each ritual. “My thing is to just let people discover,” told me on a recent Thursday morning, as she stirred a pot of zucchini-apple soup for the next evening’s government delegation from Massachusetts. If the evening is too planned, or too narrated, she said, it would not feel authentic. “People who are traveling are looking for experiences, people don’t want to just look at sites,” she said. “And what closer experience is there than eating in someone’s home? It’s like a native experience.”
All of the operators said that they also have some Jewish guests, although that was not their target audience. Often these are Jewish groups who want the cultural experience of an Orthodox-style Shabbat without specific religious pressure.
“It’s a surprise to us to have Jews because that’s isn’t what we set out to do,” Michelle Cohen said.
Natanel Cohen said hosting Jews is a very different experience, “because we feel something tribal.” Such a feeling was not present with the Chinese: “I actually find it hard to connect with them, partly because of the language barrier,” he said.
Lee, one of the few members of the Chinese delegation at the Cohens’ house who spoke English, said that even if deep personal connections do not develop, just watching another culture in action is a valuable experience. “We think we can learn a lot from the Jewish people,” she said, “from their culture, from their Talmud, about how they think, and how they succeed in science and technology.”
Upon entering the home of the Orthodox, shomer-shabbat Cohen family, the Chinese visitors pocketed their mobile phones and cameras. As the guests filed in, they handed hostess Michelle Cohen gifts, including swaths of silk fabric, teas, and wall tapestries from China, as well as bottles of wine from Israel. Inside, two long tables, arranged in an L shape, were set for more than 20, and Sabbath candles glowed on a high shelf, out of reach of the children. Bookcases bursting with religious texts, framed family photographs, and extra sets of kiddush cups covered one wall.
It was time for dinner.
“We really want to learn more about the culture, also the religious customs, and see how children are raised,” said Stephanie Lee, one of the Chinese guests and also founder of Beijing Zion Shalom Cultural Development Co., which seeks to match Chinese investors with Israeli high-tech startups.
This meal was organized through Shabbat of a Lifetime, a company the Cohens founded in 2011 to provide Sabbath meal experiences for predominantly non-Jewish tourists in the homes of traditionally observant Jerusalemites. Michelle Cohen would not disclose the price, saying it often depends on what deal they work out with the tour companies that send them most of their guests, but she did tell me that it’s “equivalent to the cost of a Shabbat meal in a hotel.” This fast-growing company has served 20,000 tourists and employs a network of about 60 hosting families all over the city. And Shabbat of a Lifetime is not alone; a handful of other businesses have popped up based on the same concept: charging tourists—mostly non-Jews—for Shabbat meals in Jerusalem homes.
Some of these businesses show up on the popular travel site TripAdvisor, with prices and reviews. Clients are more often referred by tour operators than by rabbis or synagogue presidents. Unlike programs offering tourists meals in locals’ homes that have been set up by synagogue hospitality committees or Jerusalem’s ubiquitous nonprofit Jewish educational organizations, these companies do not aim to provide charity, reduce intermarriage, or convince fellow Jews to start keeping Shabbat. And unlike foodie-friendly in-home dining sites like EatWith, the main point isn’t to create a meal that’s focused primarily on curated menus and personal chefs. Instead, their goal is to introduce Jewish and Israeli culture and customs to foreign visitors.
“It’s a cultural encounter,” Cohen said. “Just like tourists in Israel go to a Bedouin tent, they can go to us. But with us, it’s an authentic experience. We don’t get in our cars at the end of the evening and drive home like the Bedouins do.”
***
The Cohens first got the idea for Shabbat of a Lifetime while in India, where they worked in 2009 as Jewish educators. As they traveled all over the country with their two young children, it was not stunning architecture or bustling markets that impressed Michelle most; rather, it was staying for a few days in the home of an Indian family. “The thing that stuck out most was just being with a family, staying in their home,” she said. “It was more memorable than the Taj Mahal.”
Visitors to Israel have grown more diverse in recent years. While roughly half the tourists in the early 2000s were Jewish, according to government estimates, by 2014 Jews accounted for just 24 percent of overall tourism while Christians accounted for 56 percent. Tourism from China in particular has boomed, growing 80 percent since 2013, according to the Israel Ministry of Tourism; in 2015, some 45,000 Chinese tourists visited Israel.
When the Cohens returned to Israel after their stint in India, Michelle’s husband Natanel, who is a tour guide, noticed that the growing number of non-Jewish visitors had few opportunities to interact with locals, so the couple decided to start charging groups to eat Shabbat dinner with them and soon had a list of groups lined up. The demand was so high that the Cohens started sending groups to other homes and hired help to prepare the homemade food. They said it was important to found Shabbat of a Lifetime as a for-profit company so they would not have to rely on donors or pander to any agendas, something they had seen the constraints of in their careers as Jewish educators. The concept does not violate the Sabbath because the food is cooked and all payments are received before the sun sets on Friday, the Cohens said.
During a weekday meal for guests unable to attend one on Shabbat, Netanel Cohen shows the typical books found in a Jewish home. Guests are not permitted to use cameras of phones during the Cohen’s Shabbat meals. (Photo courtesy of Shabbat of a Lifetime)
As the guests from the Chinese business delegation settled into their chairs at the Cohens’ table, Natanel, with the confidence of an experienced educator and enthusiasm of a tour guide, taught them a tune to hum for “Shalom Aleichem,” while he and his family sang the four verses that welcome (and then eventually bid farewell to) the Sabbath angels. The group hummed along, as if attentive students in a music class, reading a Mandarin translation in booklets provided by Shabbat of a Lifetime.
As Natanel sang “Eshet Chayil”—“A Woman of Valor,” a song of praise traditionally sung to the woman of the house before Shabbat dinner—while looking Michelle in the eyes, the visitors were silent, then applauded when Natanel concluded the serenade, whose words come from the Book of Proverbs. Before each ritual and song of the evening, Natanel gave a brief explanation. He focused on the history and culture of the Jewish people, rather than on the fine points of the Orthodox halakha he follows. A translator echoed his narration, one sentence at a time.
A few disruptions and clumsy cultural encounters kept the evening feeling feeling somewhat spontaneous: When Natanel asked his preteen daughter if she would like to join him in singing “Eshet Chayil,” she rolled her eyes and scampered away from the table. After Natanel recited kiddush and sipped his wine, the Chinese visitors were still holding their full cups of wine, as if waiting for a toast from their host—a required ritual in China before sipping wine. When Natanel told them to drink, they got up and clinked his glass, then finally drank the wine.
Upon watching Natanel use a cup to pour water over each hand as part of the netilat yadaim hand-washing ritual before eating, the Chinese delegation, unexpectedly, without any instruction, lined up at the sink and did the same thing. “At moments like that, I just step back,” Natanel told me later. “I am not interested in teaching non-Jews how to do netilat yadaim, and I would never teach them the bracha. They don’t need to learn the bracha.”
***
Across Jerusalem, in East Talpiot, a former ground coordinator in Israel’s tourism sector named Danby Meital opened up a Shabbat hospitality business last year. She, too, wanted to tap into the growing diversity of visitors to Israel.
“I have always been a big entertainer,” said Meital, who immigrated to Israel from the United States 40 years ago and was among the founders of Moreshet Avraham, one of Jerusalem’s few Conservative synagogues. “I thought it was a nice way to earn money.”
Held in her home, Meital’s “Jerusalem Friday Night Shabbat Experience” can seat up to 45 people and costs between $25 and $50 a person, depending on the menu. Like Shabbat of a Lifetime, she narrates each ritual. “Before they get a chance to ask, we usually explain,” she said.
Meital invites guests to attend Friday night service at the nearby Conservative synagogue and tailors the evenings in other ways, such as inviting her relatives or friends with children if some of her paying clients will attend with children. “I try to make them feel comfortable,” she said. Most often her guests, who have included everyone from Evangelical Christians to Chinese graduate students, just want to see inside an Israeli home.
Ruth Yudekovitz prepares her Shabbat meal. (Photo: Sara Toth Stub)
Yudekovitz doesn’t keep the Sabbath in the technical ways that the hosts of Shabbat of a Lifetime and Meital do, but she always has Friday night dinner with her family. Unlike other operators, she does not have a set program of explaining each ritual. “My thing is to just let people discover,” told me on a recent Thursday morning, as she stirred a pot of zucchini-apple soup for the next evening’s government delegation from Massachusetts. If the evening is too planned, or too narrated, she said, it would not feel authentic. “People who are traveling are looking for experiences, people don’t want to just look at sites,” she said. “And what closer experience is there than eating in someone’s home? It’s like a native experience.”
All of the operators said that they also have some Jewish guests, although that was not their target audience. Often these are Jewish groups who want the cultural experience of an Orthodox-style Shabbat without specific religious pressure.
“It’s a surprise to us to have Jews because that’s isn’t what we set out to do,” Michelle Cohen said.
Natanel Cohen said hosting Jews is a very different experience, “because we feel something tribal.” Such a feeling was not present with the Chinese: “I actually find it hard to connect with them, partly because of the language barrier,” he said.
Lee, one of the few members of the Chinese delegation at the Cohens’ house who spoke English, said that even if deep personal connections do not develop, just watching another culture in action is a valuable experience. “We think we can learn a lot from the Jewish people,” she said, “from their culture, from their Talmud, about how they think, and how they succeed in science and technology.”
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Inner Self ~
We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
The True Meaning of Shalom Teachings
The True Meaning of Shalom
Many are familiar with the Hebrew word shalom or “peace.” The common western definition of peace is — the absence of conflict or war — but in Hebrew it means so much more.
“Shalom” is taken from the root word shalam, which means, “to be safe in mind, body, or estate.” It speaks of completeness, fullness, or a type of wholeness that encourages you to give back — to generously re-pay something in some way.
True biblical shalom refers to an inward sense of completeness or wholeness. Although it can describe the absence of war, a majority of biblical references refer to an inner completeness and tranquility. In Israel today, when you greet someone or say goodbye, you say, Shalom. You are literally saying, “may you be full of well-being” or, “may health and prosperity be upon you.” If this is the way we understand biblical peace, then suddenly many verses take on a whole new meaning. With this Hebrew thought of shalom in mind, let’s look at a few common Scriptures about peace:
Psalm 122:6-7 should serve as a prayer for Israel’s spiritual revival. Verse 7 says that we are praying for peace within Jerusalem’s walls and palaces. That is where true biblical peace is found — within. Pray for the fullness and completeness of Jerusalem. Pray that there may be such wholeness and safety found in her palaces that it overflows to others. From this perspective, it almost sounds like we are praying for the return of Israel’s Messiah, the Prince of Peace, to establish His throne in Jerusalem.
There are many other examples worthy of study regarding shalom. Peace is so much more than the world’s one-sided definition. We must find our understanding of it through the Bible, from the God of Israel. We will need it in the days ahead.
“The LORD bless you from Zion, And may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Indeed, may you see your children’s children. Peace be upon Israel.” – Psalm 128:5-6
“Shalom” is taken from the root word shalam, which means, “to be safe in mind, body, or estate.” It speaks of completeness, fullness, or a type of wholeness that encourages you to give back — to generously re-pay something in some way.
True biblical shalom refers to an inward sense of completeness or wholeness. Although it can describe the absence of war, a majority of biblical references refer to an inner completeness and tranquility. In Israel today, when you greet someone or say goodbye, you say, Shalom. You are literally saying, “may you be full of well-being” or, “may health and prosperity be upon you.” If this is the way we understand biblical peace, then suddenly many verses take on a whole new meaning. With this Hebrew thought of shalom in mind, let’s look at a few common Scriptures about peace:
“Speak to Aaron and to his sons, saying, ‘Thus you shall bless the sons of Israel. You shall say to them: The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance on you, And give you peace.’” – Numbers 6:23-26The context of the Aaronic Blessing is ironic (pun intended). God told Aaron to bless Israel with peace while they were getting ready to go conquer the Promised Land. If peace means “the absence of war,” then this doesn’t make sense, since they would soon be destroying cities. God was referring to an inner peace and completeness brought on by sharing in His countenance and His protection. That was the blessing that Israel needed! Israel was to rarely experience times of outward peace, but even in the midst of battle, they were to have an inward rest brought on by the presence of the Lord, regardless of the outward circumstances — so it should be for us as well.
“Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: May they prosper who love you. May peace be within your walls, and prosperity within your palaces.” – Psalm 122:6-7Today many are praying for the peace of Jerusalem due to the rising threat from Israel’s enemies. However, this exhortation to pray is not so Israel can live without conflict. It is so that Jerusalem can fulfill its destiny as set by the only One who can bring complete restoration to the city, which Jesus referred to as “The city of the great King.”
Psalm 122:6-7 should serve as a prayer for Israel’s spiritual revival. Verse 7 says that we are praying for peace within Jerusalem’s walls and palaces. That is where true biblical peace is found — within. Pray for the fullness and completeness of Jerusalem. Pray that there may be such wholeness and safety found in her palaces that it overflows to others. From this perspective, it almost sounds like we are praying for the return of Israel’s Messiah, the Prince of Peace, to establish His throne in Jerusalem.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” – Matthew 5:9In this verse, Jesus is not referring to mediators or political negotiators, but to those who carry an inward sense of the fullness and safety that is only available through son-ship with God. In the biblical Hebrew understanding of shalom, there is a point at which you have so much shalom that it spills out from you, and is repaid or rendered to others. And so, as you make others peaceful and inwardly complete, that makes you a peacemaker. Jesus said these peacemakers will be called sons of God. Jesus was called the Son of God. By sharing God’s uncontainable peace with others, we become just like Jesus.
There are many other examples worthy of study regarding shalom. Peace is so much more than the world’s one-sided definition. We must find our understanding of it through the Bible, from the God of Israel. We will need it in the days ahead.
“The LORD bless you from Zion, And may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Indeed, may you see your children’s children. Peace be upon Israel.” – Psalm 128:5-6
Monday, January 4, 2016
THE CRAB BUCKET...revisited!
The holidays are upon us. Many of you will be spending time with your families in a far more intense and intimate setting than you do the rest of the year. This can be wonderful. It can also be difficult.
Some of you have asked me to re-post this essay, which I wrote last December about why sometimes we feel like we backslide and struggle when we re-enter the family circle.
Hope this is helpful, for putting things in perspective!
MUCH LOVE, and here goes:
Dear Ones -
A few months ago, I was on stage with my friend Rob Bell — minister, teacher, family man, great guy — and a woman in the audience asked him this question:
"I'm making all these important changes in my life, and I'm growing in so many new and exciting ways, but my family is resisting me. I feel like their resistance is holding me back. They seem threatened by my evolution as a person, and I don't know what to do about it."
Rob replied, "Well, of course they're threatened by your evolution as a person. You're disrupting their entire world order. Remember that a family is basically just a big crab bucket. Whenever one of the crabs tries to climb out and escape, the other crabs will grab hold of him, and try pull him back down."
Which I thought was a VERY unexpected comment to come from a minister and a family man!
Rob surprised me even more, though, as he went on to say, "Families are institutions — just like a church, just like the army, just like a government. Their sense of their own stability depends upon keeping people in their correct place. Even if that stability is based on dysfunction or oppression, order must be maintained at all cost. When you try to move out of your 'correct place', you threaten everyone else's sense of order, and they may very likely try to pull you back down."
And sometimes, in our loyalty to family (or in our misplaced loyalty to the dysfunction that we are accustomed to) we might willingly surrender and sacrifice our own growth, in order to not disrupt the family — and thus we stay in the crab bucket forever.
An example: Maybe you have started taking good care of your health recently — exercising and eating well — but your family undermines your efforts, either by making fun of you for your "weird" fitness routines, or by tempting you into overeating, in order to bring you back into your old behaviors.
Maybe you have quit drinking or smoking, and your family won't accept it, and they keep putting alcohol and cigarettes in front of you, as if it's no big deal.
Maybe you've embarked on a new spiritual path, and they find it so threatening that they mock you or shame you for it.
Maybe you've been working on pulling yourself out of depression, but they tell you that they liked you better the other way — that they preferred you when you were a shut-down and broken-down mess. (I've actually been told this by people I knew years ago: "I liked you better when you were depressed." Those words are such a blow to soul. What are you even supposed to DO with that?)
Maybe you've come out of the closet, and your family members are all desperately trying to stuff you right back into that closet, so things will feel "normal" again.
Maybe you've been going back to school, or you're trying to save money to travel, or you've been talking about moving to a new city, and your family subtly or (or not so subtly!) makes you aware that they don't approve: "Oh, so you think you're better than us now, Miss Fancy-Pants?"
All of this is crab bucket behavior of the highest order, and you can count on it to flare up around the holidays.
Friend groups can do this to each other, too. My friend Rayya was a heroin addict for many years, and she saw the same phenomenon at play with her friends in the drug world: One junkie would try to get clean, and the other junkies would instantly pull her back down into the world of addiction again.
I've seen it happen, too, when friends try to sabotage another friend's efforts to get out of debt, or to move into better relationships or situations in life. (The mentality being: "If I can't get out of this crab bucket, NOBODY is getting out of this crab bucket.")
When I first got published, I was working as a bartender, and when I shared my happy news with co-workers, one of the managers at the bar said, in real anger, "Don't you DARE go be successful on us. That was not the agreement." (And, silently, I was like: "The agreement? What agreement?") That person never forgave me, actually, for aspiring to climb out of that crab bucket — so I had to disentangle myself, and move on.
Not every family (or tribe-like grouping) is like this, of course. Some tribes encourage their members not just to climb, but to SOAR, and sometimes even to fly away. That is true grace — to want somebody to grow, even if it means that they might outgrow you.
But all too often, there are those in your tribe who will try with all their might to hold you back, or to pull you down into the crab bucket again and again.
If that is happening in your life, you must identify it and resist it.
Establish your own code of honor, belief, or behavior — and stand quietly strong within that code.
Don't ever let anyone stop you from growing or changing.
Don't forget who you are. Not who you WERE — but who you are. Most importantly, don't forget who you aspire to become. That's the most vital thing. (My husband always says that the most important thing is not how you feel about your past or your present, but how you imagine your future. Keep your eyes on that future — that's where you need to be heading.)
As Rob Bell said beautifully: "If people love you, they want you to grow. If somebody doesn't want you to grow, then you can call their feelings about you by many names...but you cannot call it love."
If somebody doesn't want you to grow, you call their feelings about you "anger", or "resentment", or "insecurity", or "dominance" — but it damn sure ain't love. Nobody ever held anyone back because of love.
So here's the takeaway: If it's time for you to grow, you have to grow.
If it's time for you to change, you have to change.
If it's time for you to move, you have to move.
If it's time for you to finally crawl out of that crab bucket, start crawling.
Holding yourself back in order to make all the other people in the bucket happy will not serve you, and — ultimately — it will not serve them, either.
Be loving, be compassionate, be gracious, be forgiving. But by God, be whoever you need to be — not just over the holidays, but always.
(And needless to say, if you are the crab at the bottom of the bucket who is holding back another crab from escaping, it might be time to summon up all your love and all your courage and gently, generously, LET GO. It won't be easy, but it might be the most important thing you ever do. You might even liberate yourself in the process.)
ONWARD and all love,
LG
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Ravi ~
Ravi and I were made for each other. I’ve never met a more perfect little being. I would have chosen him out of a billion. And he chose me. He was like one of my limbs, our souls are intertwined. I would have rather lost my legs or my arms or my face. At least then people would know the pain I feel, because they could see it. The joy Ravi brought to my heart was like none I’ve ever experienced. He made everything okay. His smile and his laughter lit up the whole world and lit up my being. He loved me so much too. The way he looked at me and kissed me and giggled when he saw me. I’ve never seen anyone look at me that way. He must have said “mama” about 1000 times a day and every time my heart would beat and I would think, “that’s me! I’m his mama. I’m the luckiest woman on earth.” I never took one moment with him for granted. Because I almost lost him so early on, I spent every moment grateful, holding him, snuggling him, kissing him. The hours he must have spent laying on my chest, his favorite place to fall asleep. The hours we spent staring into each other’s eyes. And I knew I couldn’t keep that love all to myself so I shared him. I shared him with the world. With all my friends. I trusted everyone with him. That little body. I want him back. I want him. My baby. My baby. My Ravi. My light. I want his scratchy voice that was just learning to talk in two languages. I want his wobbly little legs that were just getting sturdy. I want his sweet skin and his little ears and his perfect nose and his teeth that kept popping through his gums one by one. I want his round little squishy belly. I want his hands. I want to wake up to him staring at me on the pillow. I want and yearn for something I will never have again.
I can’t make sense of this. This is the worst kind of pain I have ever felt. I lost my son. I lost my baby. It’s soul crushing and numbing. I feel like my heart and guts are splattered on a hot black piece of pavement. I’m trying to work with the darkness and the bad thoughts. I’ve screamed so much my throat is raw. I’ve tried to wake up from this nightmare. I've laid in his crib. I’ve cried so many tears my eyes won’t open. Nothing takes it away. Nothing changes it. Nothing will bring him back.
I’ve never wanted anything, not one possession. Why take the one thing from me that I loved and treasured and held sacred. Why take my heart? Why take my baby? Why take my joy? Why break my family? Where is he? This is the worst kind of punishment. The worst thing that could have happened has happened in the worst possible way. I only see him in my sleep where I’ve been trying to stay. Asleep. I’m broken. I’m so scared. I’m scared this is the end of me. I’m scared I’ll never feel happiness again. I’m scared I’ll never forgive myself. I’m scared for my children. I see the look of pain in their eyes and how worried they are, the worst kind of mirror. I see that no one will leave me alone as if I need to be on some sort of suicide watch. If only it were that easy, to die and melt away. I’m trying so hard to hold on. Maya keeps wiping my tears away with tissue after tissue. And Kesav held me when I had to bury my baby in a box in the dirt. The kids sleep in my room at night so I don’t have to be alone and I try to cry quietly so I don’t wake them. They keep bringing me food that I can’t eat. Sagar tried to make me coffee because he knows how happy coffee usually makes me. I tried to leave my room to watch Narnia with them. I keep having to remind myself that my children lost their brother too. I know I’m not the first mother to lose her child. Others have come before me and I honor you. I hope our children are all together somewhere. That’s one thought that has brought me comfort.
Thank God so many people loved Ravi because this grief is too much to bear alone. It’s ripping me to shreds and rotting my insides. Namraj held onto me all night. He held my face and he held my hand and wrapped his legs around me. His feet smelled bad from not washing his socks. I kept telling myself in the morning I would give him a bath but when the morning came I didn’t have the strength to stand. All I want is the strength to bathe my child.
I’m trying to hold on to something. To be grateful for something. The birds were chirping all afternoon as if they knew. I’m grateful for the sounds of my children trying to learn guitar and piano. I am grateful to the psychologist Buddhist healer who came from Kathmandu to keep me breathing. I’m grateful for Geyatri mantra, the prayer and song that’s the only thing that puts me to sleep. I’m grateful for Namraj’s little feet and my children's eyes and for the nano-seconds that I can forget what happened and the pain subsides. I’m grateful that I’m not in this alone and I have access to help that many mothers don’t.
I still have my family. We will still be a family and I will be a mom again because that’s what I was brought here to do. I will fight with all the love and strength in my body to get Maggie back. The one who was happy and sang and danced and mothered, and could make people laugh and make the world better. It will take a long time and it will be ugly but I will fight for as long as it takes with every master healer and every ancient teaching and every piece of poetry with every religion with every ounce of hope and love to heal. I won’t miss out on my children’s childhood. I won't let this be the end of me and my family. I won’t stop serving and I won't let Ravi's teachings or his memory die.
Thank you for loving my baby and my children, for crying with me and for sharing in our pain. Thank you for holding my children with me. Please go hold your children and your friends and your parents and the people you love for me. Give all you have to give and love all you can. This is all so temporary.
I can’t make sense of this. This is the worst kind of pain I have ever felt. I lost my son. I lost my baby. It’s soul crushing and numbing. I feel like my heart and guts are splattered on a hot black piece of pavement. I’m trying to work with the darkness and the bad thoughts. I’ve screamed so much my throat is raw. I’ve tried to wake up from this nightmare. I've laid in his crib. I’ve cried so many tears my eyes won’t open. Nothing takes it away. Nothing changes it. Nothing will bring him back.
I’ve never wanted anything, not one possession. Why take the one thing from me that I loved and treasured and held sacred. Why take my heart? Why take my baby? Why take my joy? Why break my family? Where is he? This is the worst kind of punishment. The worst thing that could have happened has happened in the worst possible way. I only see him in my sleep where I’ve been trying to stay. Asleep. I’m broken. I’m so scared. I’m scared this is the end of me. I’m scared I’ll never feel happiness again. I’m scared I’ll never forgive myself. I’m scared for my children. I see the look of pain in their eyes and how worried they are, the worst kind of mirror. I see that no one will leave me alone as if I need to be on some sort of suicide watch. If only it were that easy, to die and melt away. I’m trying so hard to hold on. Maya keeps wiping my tears away with tissue after tissue. And Kesav held me when I had to bury my baby in a box in the dirt. The kids sleep in my room at night so I don’t have to be alone and I try to cry quietly so I don’t wake them. They keep bringing me food that I can’t eat. Sagar tried to make me coffee because he knows how happy coffee usually makes me. I tried to leave my room to watch Narnia with them. I keep having to remind myself that my children lost their brother too. I know I’m not the first mother to lose her child. Others have come before me and I honor you. I hope our children are all together somewhere. That’s one thought that has brought me comfort.
Thank God so many people loved Ravi because this grief is too much to bear alone. It’s ripping me to shreds and rotting my insides. Namraj held onto me all night. He held my face and he held my hand and wrapped his legs around me. His feet smelled bad from not washing his socks. I kept telling myself in the morning I would give him a bath but when the morning came I didn’t have the strength to stand. All I want is the strength to bathe my child.
I’m trying to hold on to something. To be grateful for something. The birds were chirping all afternoon as if they knew. I’m grateful for the sounds of my children trying to learn guitar and piano. I am grateful to the psychologist Buddhist healer who came from Kathmandu to keep me breathing. I’m grateful for Geyatri mantra, the prayer and song that’s the only thing that puts me to sleep. I’m grateful for Namraj’s little feet and my children's eyes and for the nano-seconds that I can forget what happened and the pain subsides. I’m grateful that I’m not in this alone and I have access to help that many mothers don’t.
I still have my family. We will still be a family and I will be a mom again because that’s what I was brought here to do. I will fight with all the love and strength in my body to get Maggie back. The one who was happy and sang and danced and mothered, and could make people laugh and make the world better. It will take a long time and it will be ugly but I will fight for as long as it takes with every master healer and every ancient teaching and every piece of poetry with every religion with every ounce of hope and love to heal. I won’t miss out on my children’s childhood. I won't let this be the end of me and my family. I won’t stop serving and I won't let Ravi's teachings or his memory die.
Thank you for loving my baby and my children, for crying with me and for sharing in our pain. Thank you for holding my children with me. Please go hold your children and your friends and your parents and the people you love for me. Give all you have to give and love all you can. This is all so temporary.
Fragile ~
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence.
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And, when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence.
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And, when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
I Rise ~
You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise. Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries. Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
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