Each story of a brief life and tragic, untimely death is unique, yet common threads run through all the stories. No matter how young the grandchild was at the time of death, the grandparents I spoke with had developed a bond of love. “I never thought I would have such strong feelings as I do,” a friend of mine told me after being present at the birth of her first grandchild.
There is a magic to the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Relieved from the primary responsibility for raising the grandchildren (in most cases), grandparents are able just to relax and enjoy them. Grandparents are the people we can turn to when we have dreams to share or problems that need fixing. Grandparents know all the funny stories about Mom and Dad when they were children.
Just as no parent expects to outlive a child, certainly no grandparent expects to outlive a grandchild. This is not the normal order of things! There is no understanding any of it for now . You wait and pray tomorrow will get better ...Each moring I wake up with a hole in my heart and want to see his sweet face , there is no way to prepare for it . This was a 10 year dream for my Jacob David Moshe Arnold , days I say " Please come home to us , we miss you and need you ! More tears after calling for him ! It was so hard , so hard to get over the fact that our beloved little one was not coming yet !
Whether your grandchild died as an early miscarriage or as an adult, with a life and future cut short, the death may cause you to question values and beliefs you have carried with you for a lifetime. Your friends may not understand your pain and begin to keep their distance. And, being a parent yourself, you may find yourself putting your own grief aside to try to help your child, only to find that you cannot help her; in fact, she and her spouse may even turn away from you in anger.
You may find your pain not noticed or taken seriously. You may have been left to grieve alone. The rest of the family, in their own pain, does not stop to recognize that Grandma and Grandpa are hurting, too. Or they may think that because of your age and experience, you should be stronger somehow. As they look to you for your usual guidance and leadership, they are bewildered to see that you too are wounded and distraught. Six months of days in bed . The depression was the hardest thing to explain ! I wanted to only stay in bed and sleep , hoping that I could see him ,if only in dreams .I still wait for a dream to see him , if only for a second . Part of me died that day also ~
Yet your sense of parental responsibility never goes away. Bereaved yourself, you feel pressured to somehow “fix” the problem, sometimes unintentionally making things worse and creating estrangement. You feel confused as everything you say or do is taken the wrong way.
There are no instruction manuals to turn to, and even if there were, chances are the chapter on “What to Do when a Grandchild Dies” would be missing. There is little guidance from the past from which to draw strength and example, so, given the uncharted territory, mis-takes are going to be made.
Your relationship with your bereaved son- or daughter-in-law also plays an important factor in your grieving process. The death of your grandchild may exacerbate an already difficult relationship or bring out prob-lems and issues previously unknown. The resulting grief from the sense that family has been lost is an additional, horrific blow ~ The house is sad and still, for its joy and light is gone .
I share my grief with only my husband , each day I'm shocked how much I want to see him and hold him .One year ago my joy and faith was put to a test . Will this last forever ? His clothes are with me and I still buy things for him , saying " please come home to your family " ~ K
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