I am puzzled at how long I will be grieving ~

Losing a grandchild is devastating beyond description. When you first carried hopes and dreams for your grandchild in your heart, you never expected that young life to end—yet it did. As one grandmother said , you are never going to be the same ! To see other pain , but I could only understand my own tears , feeling my heart ache everyday ~ One year now , the pain is the same !
Each story of a brief life and tragic, untimely death is unique, yet common threads run through all the stories. No matter how young the grandchild was at the time of death, the grandparents I spoke with had developed a bond of love. “I never thought I would have such strong feelings as I do,” a friend of mine told me after being present at the birth of her first grandchild.
There is a magic to the grandparent/grandchild relationship. Relieved from the primary responsibility for raising the grandchildren (in most cases), grandparents are able just to relax and enjoy them. Grandparents are the people we can turn to when we have dreams to share or problems that need fixing. Grandparents know all the funny stories about Mom and Dad when they were children.
Just as no parent expects to outlive a child, certainly no grandparent expects to outlive a grandchild. This is not the normal order of things! There is no understanding any of it for now . You wait and pray tomorrow will get better ...Each moring I wake up with a hole in my heart and want to see his sweet face , there is no way to prepare for it  . This was a 10 year dream for my Jacob David Moshe Arnold , days I say "  Please come home to us , we miss you and need you ! More tears after calling for him ! It was so hard  , so hard to get over the fact that our beloved little one was not coming yet !
Whether your grandchild died as an early miscarriage or as an adult, with a life and future cut short, the death may cause you to question values and beliefs you have carried with you for a lifetime. Your friends may not understand your pain and begin to keep their distance. And, being a parent yourself, you may find yourself putting your own grief aside to try to help your child, only to find that you cannot help her; in fact, she and her spouse may even turn away from you in anger.
You may find your pain not noticed or taken seriously. You may have been left to grieve alone. The rest of the family, in their own pain, does not stop to recognize that Grandma and Grandpa are hurting, too. Or they may think that because of your age and experience, you should be stronger somehow. As they look to you for your usual guidance and leadership, they are bewildered to see that you too are wounded and distraught. Six months of days in bed . The depression was the hardest thing to explain ! I wanted to only stay in bed and sleep , hoping that I could see him ,if only in dreams .I still wait for a dream to see him , if only for a second . Part of me died that day also ~
Yet your sense of parental responsibility never goes away. Bereaved yourself, you feel pressured to somehow “fix” the problem, sometimes unintentionally making things worse and creating estrangement. You feel confused as everything you say or do is taken the wrong way.
There are no instruction manuals to turn to, and even if there were, chances are the chapter on “What to Do when a Grandchild Dies” would be missing. There is little guidance from the past from which to draw strength and example, so, given the uncharted territory, mis-takes are going to be made.
Your relationship with your bereaved son- or daughter-in-law also plays an important factor in your grieving process. The death of your grandchild may exacerbate an already difficult relationship or bring out prob-lems and issues previously unknown. The resulting grief from the sense that family has been lost is an additional, horrific blow ~ The house is sad and still, for its joy and light is gone .
I share my grief with only my husband , each day I'm shocked how much I want to see him and hold him  .One year ago my joy and faith was put to a test . Will this last forever ?  His clothes are with me and I still buy things for him , saying " please come home to your family "  ~ K

A million couldn't buy the JOY ~

Little hands and tiny feet,
Shy, and cute, and so petite;
Little whimpers, little cries,
Darling, little sparkling eyes;
Outstretched fingers, wiggling toes;
God, how can you love them so!
Children chase away the gloom,
And sunshine fills most every room;
Little mannerisms dear,
Laughs of happiness and cheer;
You just can't know the joy of home,
Until you have children of your own.
You feel so humble, deep inside,
And have so much parental pride;
You can't describe the joy and pleasure,
God has given with this treasure;
A million couldn't buy the joy,
The happiness, and love, sublime;
They're bundles straight from heaven,
And, Lord, they're really mine

I'm Ready for Change ~

20 Reasons Change Is Good For You

1. Without change, things stay the same and ultimately will stagnate and die.
2. Most people are afraid of change because it forces them outside their comfort zone. (go there it’s not that uncomfortable)
3. Without change there is no adventure in life.
4. It takes much more energy and effort to resist change than it does to accept it.
5. It’s much easier to embrace change than to fight it.
6. Since most will resist change, successful people will use this fact to their advantage.
7. Change is learning. Learning is growing. Growing is living. So live.
8. When you complain about change, the energy you’re wasting will turn you into a curmudgeon. (is that what you want to be?)
9. Change is opportunity.
10. Status quo is boring and gets you nowhere.
11. Change is exciting and forces you to move.
12. Change can be scary and uncomfortable only when you look at it that way.
13. Fear of change is a feeling you can change.
14. It’s okay to change your feelings.
15. People resist change because it brings feelings of fear of the unknown.
16. The unknown will be uncomfortable unless you shift your position.
17. Change is a harbinger of possibilities.
18. Everything must change.
19. When we change we adapt and move forward, when we don’t we move backward.
20. The weather will change, so don’t worry about it and stop talking about it!

Mindfulness ~

Scientists have found that a kind of Chinese mindfulness meditation practice is linked with actual physical changes in the brain -- changes that may even have protective effects against mental illness.
Researchers from the University of Oregon studied past data from a 2010 study of 45 undergraduate students, as well as a past study on 68 students at the Dalian University of Technology in China, who practiced integrative body-mind training. The meditation technique places heavy emphasis on being aware of the mind, body and environment.
Using diffusion tensor imaging, a kind of MRI imaging technique, the researchers were able to look at the brain structure changes that occurred in connection with the mindfulness meditation practice.
The researchers found that after two weeks of practicing this kind of meditation, the study participants had an increase in the number of signaling connections in the brain, called axonal density.
And after a month of practicing the meditation -- which comes out to about 11 hours of meditation -- the researchers found that there were even more increases in brain signaling connections, as well as an increase in protective tissue (called myelin) around the axons in a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate region. The study participants also had better moods after practicing the meditation.
"This dynamic pattern of white matter change involving the anterior cingulate cortex, a part of the brain network related to self-regulation, could provide a means for intervention to improve or prevent mental disorders," the researchers wrote in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences study.
Last year, researchers from the Massachusetts General Hospital published a study in the journal Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging showing that engaging in a mindfulness meditation program for eight weeks is linked with changes in the memory, empathy, stress and sense of self regions of the brain.

 

Sometime the Heart Sees ~

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow and each road leads you where you want to go. And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another closed, I hope you keep on walking til you find the window, if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile, more than anything, more than anything, My Wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold, and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the sames things too, Yeah, This is My Wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you left, I hope you always forgive and you never regret and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, and find God's grace in every mistake and always give more than you take. Oh and more than anything, Yeah, more than anything. My Wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold, and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too! Yeah, this is My Wish!

She twirls ~

A beautiful woman twirls in front of the Eiffel Tower, decked out in a pale pink gown that makes her look like she stepped out of a fairytale. She smiles brightly and laughs as she gets her picture taken by Australian portrait photographer of the year Sue Bryce. But this is no ordinary fashion photo shoot.
The "model," Jill Brzezinski-Conley, was diagnosed with breast cancer a day before her 32nd birthday, underwent a double mastectomy -- and now, at 35, has incurable stage-4 breast cancer which has metastasized to her bone.
In late August, Brzezinski-Conley, who lives with her husband in Kentucky, went to visit her childhood friend Nikki Closser, a wedding photographer in Seattle. "[Nikki] took pictures of me, and I was like, 'Nikki, I want you to take pictures of my breasts so that maybe we can send in the photos to magazines for breast cancer month [in October],'" Brzezinski-Conley told The Huffington Post. "[The media] never shows what breast cancer looks like."
After the session, Closser emailed the pictures along with Brzezinski-Conley's story to Bryce, whose work she had admired. Inspired, Bryce contacted both women right away and invited Brzezinski-Conley to Skype into a CreativeLIVE workshop where she surprised her with the offer of a photo shoot -- in Paris. Three weeks later, Bryce, Brzezinski-Conley and Closser were off to the City of Light for five days, with a videographer in tow.
"It was a million times better than what I ever dreamed of," said Brzezinski-Conley. "For the first time, in those five days, I felt like Cinderella. I didn’t feel like a cancer patient. They made me feel like a supermodel, and it was the nicest feeling ... I didn’t want to go back home."
She hopes that her story -- and the images that accompany it -- will inspire other women to feel good about their bodies, regardless of how they look. She especially hopes that they reach other women in their 20s and 30s who are battling cancer. "I wanted the photo shoot to be for women who look like me, [to show them that] they can still feel sexy and beautiful," Brzezinski-Conley told HuffPost.
But she doesn't want the only message she gets across to be about beauty. She's also passionate about educating young women about breast cancer, since she put off seeing a doctor for a year after she noticed that she had an inverted nipple. "If I would’ve known [that] an inverted nipple was a sign of breast cancer, I would've gotten checked up right away," she told HuffPost. "I always wonder if my cancer would have been at a different stage [if I had]." Her advice to young women is simple: "Be educated, learn your body, learn the signs of breast cancer."
Brzezinski-Conley wants us to start seeing breast cancer instead of just talking about it -- and these personal photos are certainly more memorable than a pink ribbon.  ~

My Precious One ~

My Precious One"

My precious one, my tiny one, lay down your pretty head.
My dearest one my sleepy one, its time to go to bed
My precious one, my darling one; don't let your lashes weep.
My cherished one, my weary one; it's time to go to sleep.
Just bow your head and give your cares to me.
Just close your eyes and fall into the sweetest dream, cause in my loving arms.
You're safe as you will ever be so hush my dear and sleep.
And in your dreams you'll ride on angels' wings.
Dance with the stars and touch the face of god
And if you should awake...
I'll kiss your little cheek
And underneath the smiling moon
I'll send you back to sleep.